Hashtag One Only Exists A Singular Time

Let's have a chat, shall we?

Hey there darlings.

Around every two months (bimonthly, or as I like to call it "sexannually") I am startled into a mental state by a small or large event. This mental state is one of hyper-modification regarding my attitude  as well as innovation and alteration to my environment. It's like Spring Cleaning on steroids, if they were properly dosed, prescribed and taken. Anyways, this weekend was a fantastic one but it catalyzed another refinement of my routine, so that's the mental state I'm in right now.

It feels a bit different this time, however. It's less focused on what I need to do and what I need to have in order for me to person I want to be, and more to do with who I am as a human in general. How I act, feel, respond, speak. Not immense changes, as that's taking on a burden that I currently do not have the energy for (nor the desire for really. I don't believe I need an entire personality makeover), but tweaks and betterment that will take time and work, and that will hopefully will be worth it in the long run. Nothing unusual. Less self-deprecatory humor and language, fewer apologies, less worrying, breaking out of a lot of phrases, reactions and actions that are grating or affronting, becoming more self-confident, friendly, and just generally nicer to be around. Looking back at that list, it seems I have more expectations for myself than previously thought. I've also not even listed all the things I want for myself. But we'll see what happens, won't we?

I've also been feeling the need to withdraw from some of my social media platforms as well. I was talking to a friend about this a few nights back, and some of the tendencies I have seem a bit futile.  

Take Tumblr, for instance. 

It's a site where members re-blog posts that they especially like and  post original content to showcase their own thoughts, feelings or skills. It's basically shouting into the void with my eyes closed. It's screaming into the abyss that I used to only stare into, that stared back at me. 

Thanks, Nietzsche. 

It's bellowing into the universe, demanding recognition of my existence, or even my importance. I think lately I've been using it as a platform to appease my hungry ego, demanding that someone someone should listen to me. Anyone. Anyone? Basically, it's shouting into the universe and waiting for an echo. It's just searching for validation. But the universe is constantly expanding, so it doesn't have time to grant me a reverberation of affirmation. 

Thanks, Hank Green.

What am I doing on blogspot, then? These posts are basically as self-indulgent (if not more) as my Tumblr posts. I suppose my excuse is that this page is used to keep up with high school friends, inform my family of my shenanigans and to force myself to write. To have documentation of my college thoughts and experiences. 

Maybe?

 It seems a bit hypocritical to go off on a diatribe against Tumblr and my actions on the site while simultaneously using this site as a forum to express my unoriginal musings and share about my blatantly non-unique lifestyle. I could just as easily write in a journal while sending updates to friends over email, and I'd get the same experiences as this blog. Sounds like too much work, though. And I feel an obligation to this website and the people linked to it. Once again, excuses to assuage my cognitive dissonance. Ugh, I sound like a pompous pseudo-intellectual. And for a good reason.

What happened to self confidence, Nicole? 

It's a work in progress.

I didn't know I'd be going on this tangent. I thought I was going to make a quick post and finally get to my paper on Samuel Johnson. Well let's quicken the pace a bit, shall we?

Things I did this week that made me unabashedly happy:

1. I cleaned out my basically-empty peanut butter container and now finally have a glass jar like all the cool kids on campus. It is not a mason jar, however. So I am still a second-rate try-hard. (DAMN IT, NICOLE, CONFIDENCE). But, BUT! I've filled it up with dry oatmeal and chocolate chips so I can instantly make oatmeal in my house whenever I please.

2. I decided to deal with my broken "Starry Night" umbrella by first attempting to fix it and then realizing I had a better idea (after realizing there was no possibly way of me fixing it without a large investment of time or money). The nylon part of the umbrella is now a beautiful lampshade and will soon be turned into a skirt cover/umbrella/apron (something to wear on top of my black skirt) if I tailor it correctly. I'm big on projects, you guys. I also plan on using the skeleton of the umbrella for a photo shoot I keep on intending to have where I take photos of my friend Grace. It'll happen eventually.

3. So a giant blizzard occurred yesterday. It is officially spring today. Snow is everywhere. It is cold. It's worrisome but mostly hilarious... though I'll admit it's made me a bit disgruntled at times.

4. Although I am still planning on applying for overflow housing (a house with a small number of people, a kitchen, laundry machines, and still a general maid...but is farther off campus and is intended for people who get booted from their room due to an unexpected increase of entering students or something), I still partook in the housing lottery with my extremely average (if not semi-bad) housing number of 276 (out of 492). I am living in Rand again (I lived there Freshman year), but in a single on the second floor on the side of Mount David rather than the chapel like last year. It's 117 square feet. I have yet to go check it out. I'm a little scared about what the room looks like and its view, but I'm  mostly excited about finally having a single. My friends Victoria and Nick will also be living in Rand. It'll be fine if I stay there instead of overflow, but I do want overflow because it sounds like a palace where all my dreams could come true and I am enthralled with the idea of living with Grace and Catherine (rising seniors).

5. There was a Bates debate Tournament this weekend, and I finally saw some friends whom I hadn't seen since October (Colin, Sammy, Yvonne, etc.) as well as made new friends as well. I enjoyed myself at the APDA party (which is a first. Probably because it was in Hayes and I finally had the guts to start conversations with top debaters instead of fearing them and avoiding them like the plague. An eloquent, semi-aggressive, and persuasive plague).

Friday night was probably my favorite night of the weekend, and I stayed up until around 4 am, I believe. It was fantastic. At one point Sesenu broke a ping-pong paddle on Kornfeld's now named "buns of steel" without it even hurting. I also played my ukulele while Colin played Hanna's guitar and I sang "Chelsea Hotel #2", "Desperado", and "O Leãozinho". I know this sounds silly, but this past Friday was one of my favorite days I’ve had in recent memory. Maybe even just in life. It’s not like anything mind-bendingly amazing or exceptionally sublime happened. There was just a lot of wonderful. Saturday and Sunday were also quite nice. Colin and Sammy stayed till the end of the weekend. We watched Tottenham play (read: lose. We shouldn’t take about it, shhhh), lounged around in my room, etc. This was also the weekend which jump-started my sexannual re-assessment and modification of being. Late night heart-to-heart chats with friends and interactions with people you don’t normally spend time with will do that. Nothing particularly epiphany-inducing, but still enlightening and (I’d go so far as to say) poignant. Basically just that I need to deal with my insecurities and self-doubt (don’t we all, though?) and change my behavior and thought-processes. Nothing too hard then, eh (cue weak laughter from live studio audience)?

6. This weekend I need to work on a giant lab write up that has been looming over me for weeks but is finally due next week, as well as a 10 page paper that’s due Monday which I never seem to have time to work on (I’m oddly busy on a day-to-day basis). But there’s also the Lick-It dance and Gala this weekend (two giant events), so I’m going to have to get a lot of my paper done Thursday and Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday. But it’ll work out. It always does. It’ll be fine. It’s always been fine. That actually made me smile. Things always work out rather than fall apart for me. For the most part. Obviously small things happen that are bad sometimes, but nothing is ever left in ruins.

7. A boy sneaked a note to me in the Library after I helped him figure out how to look up his class status for Short Term. It was sweet. It made my night. People can be utterly delightful.

I am startled by how many twists this post has taken. A lot of thoughts and emotions were expressed.

Remember to feel all the good feelings and have all the good experiences. Because remember

# OOEAST  (Look to the blog post title)

(Totally going to make #OOEAST a thing)

(And Sexannually. I'm particularly proud of that one.)

Cheers,

Nicole