Both of my roommates are sick so I drank orange juice today even though I don't particularly enjoy our school's orange juice. That is how dedicated I am to staying healthy ("healthy" being a term I have a fairly loose definition of). Despite my heroic precautions against those villains known as viruses, I'm feeling sort of crappy. But not in a "I'm sick" way but more of a "mehhhh I have this paper and project proposal due on Friday but all I can manage to do is watch New Girl on Netflix" way. Here's a short summation of certain parts of my life presented in the format of a list of specific skills I have honed this week, though:
Will make bad puns about school supplies for food
Will add snarky marginalia to your books that will be useless to you when you go back to study for a test… For food
Will sob on your hardwood floor for at least fifteen minutes because a retainer broke again and it hasn’t even been a month since the last one got ruined… For food
Will retweet you for food
Will photograph you having a private or intimate moment for food
Will play an original song on your ukulele at least five times in a row, messing up each time in a more impressive way… for food
Will re-read a formal email being composed aloud over and over, spending a copious amount of minutes on perfecting one sentence that doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things… for food
Will make an esoteric reference that isn’t even impressive because it had something to do with a topic no one would care about even if they did understand… for food
Will frequently make malapropisms for food.
Will try to be helpful by cleaning up the house but actually places all of your things in hidden or unintuitive spaces, leading you to believe you lost said items for good until the end of the school year when you open that top cabinet in the kitchen to find your lucky pajama bottoms gathering dust next to a stale bag of fruit loops… for food.
Will accidentally babysit your cat for two hours because it runs into my house, walk around with it in my arms for a few blocks to the security office to only be denied by the security officers and then finally get a phone call from you saying you'll pick up your cat at my place...for food.
Will pay 25 dollars for a rich mahogany coffee table which I, with a sick roommate, will carry a couple of blocks back to your house and then make a joke about how your glasses falling off your face is "quite a spectacle" and then giggle and say "get it? get it?"... for food
Will make a joke about hipster cheese stores, 60 year old women and babies in front of a classroom full of students, professors and Lewiston residents during an oral project presentation because she got nervous and was filling in for her other group member who was in the hospital...for food
Will go to the common grounds fair and take pretty good pictures...for food
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