A Very Contagious Virus

Good day, my contemporary contemporaries! Have you noticed how busy you have become? Or how you seem to not have adequate time to do all the things you wish? Have you begun to barter away your precious hours of sleep to learn more about the solar system or political climate in Mozambique? What about your sudden need to consume caffeine at high quantities? These issues, my dear compatriots, are side effects of what the scientists call "College". Do not be alarmed! College, when dealt with appropriately, can be cured in about four years (unless it evolves into the Graduate strain). This condition that we have obtained ( I believe the scientific name for the virus we've caught is called Fültyme enrolmint) is very easy to deal with if you take the necessary steps to survive. 

"My room is usually tidier than this."
- Fight of the Conchords

Firstly, refrain from going to parties every night of the week when you have College. You will spend hours dancing without realizing that it is way past your bedtime. In fact, dances that are decade themed (For instance, an 80s dance) are especially troublesome when it comes to time management because although it seems you have 31 years to get your paper done, it is not in fact 1980, and thus your paper is, in actuality, due in two days.

Secondly, ration your time in the dining hall. College (the virus, remember? Yes, that joke is still in play. It's a theme! Jesus!) alters both your mind and your stomach. If given access to a large amount of food, those infected with Fültyme enrolmint  will consume more food than necessary and spend a copious amount of time eating, instead of studying. Studying is, in fact, one of the prescribed antidotes to College. If you study enough, you will not have Fültyme enrolmint  for more than 4 years (that is unless you get the Graduate virus, Holimothaofgawd howillieverpaythisoff). 

This is my dorm, Rand. They say it's low chem. And it is . . .
 as long as you don't think vodka's a chemical!

You have each been assigned a quarantine that you have been living in for about the past month. The government has set aside large tracts of land for those with College. They have names such as Middlebury, Reed, American, Berkeley and Bates. Each patient is sent to the containment area that suits their needs the best. My quarantined space is homey, especially my personal confinement area (They call them DORMS, or something). Anyways, my dorm is called Rand. It's old. And far away from the dining hall, so that will keep me on the track to recovery. They won't let you take food out of the dining hall. I think it's because it's injected with some type of medicine that is only meant for those with College.

Throughout the years in your quarantine, you will have tests to see if you are recovering from the College virus. I took a test this week to see if I'm getting better. It's a lot of paperwork. I think they gave me the wrong check-up forms, though. They were in Chinese. Despite this fact, I got 100%. So, thus far, I'm on track to be released from quarantine. It's quite exciting. 

Well, I've got to go to a debate team meeting now. The team says that if I'm persuasive enough, the owners of the quarantine can sneak you out of the quarantined area to debate with other sick people from around the world. 

Evolution Speed,

Nicole Danser